The Spark of the Winter Solstice

This Winter Solstice morning when I awoke it was to gratitude, a renewed clarity of spirit, and a great love of myself as a woman. I've had some dawning realizations over the past week, and discovered a new level of appreciation for my life, love and who I truly am.

I dance on the edges of other people's truth. I blur the lines, and open spaces. I create doors, transmute energy and hold the energy of love within my presence for those who choose to walk through them. It is the path I walk in this lifetime.

That information came through me early this morning, carrying with it the promise of release, and forgiveness. A knowing that this is exactly what I am learning, and doing by being present in this moment.

I live my life at an emotional depth and intensity, and share a level of intimacy with the people closest to me that is just too uncomfortable for most people. A part of me has always known this, and up until today, I've held a judgment about myself in this regard.

This judgment has followed me through all of my relationships, and limited the intimacy level within them. I've worked a lot with the concept of 'not enough'. But on some level it didn't resonate. Today I learned why.

My fear, and the lie that it told was that I was 'too much'. The equally as damaging, but mirror issue. Neither is in balance as both exist within the fear of ego. Too much as in "You talk too much". "You are too angry, sexual, loud, deep, intellectual, strong, weak, masculine, fast, easy, headstrong, stupid (insert word of choice here.)" I was blown away. I've hidden within a shell of 'not enough', because I was 'too much'.

I've been working with the feminine energies, and in particular, with recognizing and honoring my inner divine feminine. So as this knowledge began to reveal itself this morning, I realized that this issue is tied to my own inner and the reflected outer judgment of the feminine principle.

I began to wonder how many of us, as women, have hidden ourselves away in order to make other people in our lives comfortable? Not revealed ourselves completely because of internalized judgments of a predominantly masculine society? How many female role models do we have that are celebrated for their masculine, rather than feminine qualities? How many female spiritual teachers?

This issue of 'not enough' is the masculine issue, and the mirror of 'too much' is the feminine. How could I have possibly hoped to deal with it by looking at the opposite, instead of looking at myself? How can any of us?

As a woman, I exist on a deeply grounded and rooted level in my life, and in my body. It would be almost impossible not to with the work that I do. I only enter into the more shallow places (by shallow, I mean penetrating only the things easily or quickly perceived) when I need to engage people at a level they feel more comfortable with, a place a little less intense than my norm. I find most people in everyday life exist and feel much more at ease interacting on this level.

What I connected with today, fortunately or unfortunately for me and women as a whole, is that this is not where we exist. This is not who we are. We are love, and that requires an engagement of energies not found on this surface level. This is what we have come to do. And it's we who must have the courage to bring this forth into our own lives, so that we can birth it back into this world that is sorely in need of it.

And that it starts within ourselves.

I started with the willingness to release any judgment I have about being 'too much', about being a woman of intense love, pleasure and joy. Today I celebrate the depths of my being, and my emergence as a powerful force of feminine energy. This is the spark that created the universe, and is what I am bringing forth into the darkness of this winter womb time.

In this time of deep dreaming, creation and planting the seeds of what is to emerge in the spring, I pour forth the waters of myself with new intention.

Today is the dawning of a new day for me. There is much joy in my soul, and I'm still learning to dance with it all.

Blessings of the Winter Solstice Be Upon You.