R.I.P. FHM

I raise a glass in remembrance now to someone very dear to me; a wonderful lover, teacher, writer, actor, friend, confident, secret-whisperer, laugh-sharer, rebel, edge-walker, lightening-bringer, boundary-pusher, heart-opener, gasping, breathing, sighing and fully alive human being. Thank you for being present in my life. Thank you for loving me.

I'm here to tell you how much I loved him and how he changed my world for the better. I LOVED him. I can feel the tug of it now; I adored him. He had a particular energy signature that was all his own. Women everywhere could 'feel' it. I was certainly not alone in my experience. But there was a part of him that was just 'mine'. I knew that as well as I knew my own name. He was anam cara.

He was at turns vulnerable and powerful. He was tender and fierce. He was silly and profound. He was awkward and entirely made up of love. Tall and daunting. Close and forgiving. He was everything to me.

Through unforeseen circumstances he was lost to me. At least in a tangible, ordinary existence way. But his spirit exists somewhere, and the power of it created a hell of storm here in the Northeast tonight. A perfect way to say goodbye after 5 years.

So with a Guinness in one hand, and a whisky in the other, I wish you deep peace wherever you are now. Thank you for bringing through such beauty and power. Thank you for your teachings. Thank you for your sacred caring.

I love you, FM.

The Vernal Equinox

"Woman Ascending" - 48"x36"

The Vernal Equinox- The Sun crosses the equator and day and night everywhere on Earth are of equal length, with the Sun ascending here in the Northern hemisphere. Vernal means fresh and new, like the Spring. Equinox literally translates as "equal night". This year, the Sun entered into the sign of Aries on March 20 at 4:44am, marking the official beginning of the astrological New Year, and Spring.

It is a time of new emergence; life erupting from the trees and earth around us. And since we are the earth, this happens within us as we feel the clearing of the old grime of winter, the release of that which we no longer need to hold onto, and the rising of the light within.

A few years ago, I received a meditation from spirit. It is a nearly perfect exercise for Spring, assisting us in bringing in new energies while clearing room for it at the same time. It is also about honoring; yourself, the earth, and the light within.

A very talented artist and friend, Barry Mack, sent me the above photo of his "Woman Ascending" to mark the arrival of Spring in my world, and was kind enough to allow me to post it here with my meditation. You can see more of Barry's work here: http://architectsofanewdawn.ning.com/profile/BarryMack

Please receive this with my blessings.


Spring Meditation
***************************************************
Each morning at sunrise find a place in nature (a backyard, even a balcony would do) and face the direction of the rising sun in the East. It is connected to the emerald green ray of compassionate love and healing, calming, balancing and clearing, the heart chakra, and the Archangel Raphael. Briefly focus on something or someone in your life you are grateful for. Feel your heart-center opening to the warmth of the sun and the emerald green ray at your heart. Expand it until you are completely immersed in it. Open your heart to being present, fully present in that moment. Make a heart wish.

Each evening at sundown, take yourself outside and face the setting sun in the West. The West is associated with the Archangel Gabriel, the sea, and the ruby-red ray of the color spectrum that assists in physical healing, amplifying the kundalini energy and helping us to embrace responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Take a moment to focus on what needs to be released from your day (stress, anger, etc). Picture surrendering these energies (or relationships) that no longer serve you to this ruby-red light. Forgive judgment of yourself or others. Breathe in love and light, and picture expanding the ruby-red light to fully encompass you. Then visualize the emerald green light surrounding the ruby-red center in the heart area. Notice the shift as your heart center enfolds you in compassion and love. Know that you are whole and complete.

This exercise can be done each day until Bealtaine (May 1st), when you notice the ties that bind you have been released, and that your heart wish can be manifested fully and clearly.

Requiem- The Death of the Old Self

So, this is how it ends. Corrupted. Bereft. Empty. Lonely. Feeling as if I’d only just paid more attention, that none of this had to happen. I’ve spent far too much of my life and time feeling this way. And it’s such a short life.

Usually when someone contemplates throwing in the towel, there is a maudlin self-pity present. I have to say, it doesn’t feel like that to me. I know there are people who care, who love me. Who will be sad if I leave this earth. But I am aware of something they may not be. They only need me for their own reasons. To validate them, to be present for them, to be their mirror. And this, I think is what it’s about for other people. Will they grieve? Certainly. But will they grieve for me…or for their own loss? This is the human nature I have come to understand, to accept, but not to love. In truth, I am the only one who can grieve this life, my life. But do I have the courage required to do so?

Can I grieve the life that was, and the life that never was, and still remain here…present? Can I release this, and learn to feel again? Or is it too late for that? I’m so tired already. And old, aeons old. Can I lift myself one more time from this ground I stand on, a brittle, barren surface, and walk just a few steps farther on this journey? Perhaps a spark of hope will light the way, for it is so dark here, now.

I’ve spent my entire life living for others, for a cause, an idea. Living in service. Being of service. It is what drives me, what inspires me. And it’s also the thing I hate the most at this moment. For how can I truly be of service if I can’t even help myself? How can I learn to love my life, when I feel no joy?

I have been here before, in this space. I have had the light of the Presence move through me. I have been more alive than many can imagine being. I have been everything. And now, I am nothing. Why did I choose to stay, if I am incapable of creating love within my own life; within myself?

Do I have the strength to accept what is here in the dark, empty expanse, and live on? Can I find the spark of inspiration necessary to build a new hearth fire from the barely flickering candle of my soul? I cannot do it alone. This much I know. I must pray, and be open to receiving the light of my own soul, as it comes to embrace me. And if I wake up here, then I will have a chance to feel and create something new. And if not, then I will be free. Liberated.

And as I fall to my knees and ask for forgiveness, Goddess, will you be so kind as to hold a space for me, until I can hold it for myself? I think that might be exactly what I need…

The Seeds of Wholeness

I awoke today with a lead stone in my chest,
where my heart should be.
Heavy. Weighted down with grief, and anger.
Feeling wasted, barren.
Mind racing back to times gone by, and love lost.
Missing the beloved, separate from the other.
Separate even from myself.

Patterns of loss stamp themselves anew today;
deception, betrayal, jealousy, need, obsession.
The depth of emotion feels staggering to me.
There is nothing to be done but learn to be still now,
and not run to the next distraction.
Tears flow freely for myself, and then more.
Self-pity is unbecoming. Eyes red, swollen.
So tired. So tired of crying. So tired,
crying for a love destroyed before it could ever flower fully.
“Who?” You might ask.
“How many?” I would answer.

I have proven to myself that I was unlovable. Unworthy.
Over and over, the cycle repeated itself.
Deep, unrequited love.
Then I would hide behind a mask.
Which woman would I be today?
Which single-minded desire can I fulfill so that I can be loved, at least for a little while?
Eventually, it became a mask of independence and certainty, when I felt anything but.
I hid my vulnerability away, and the fear of not being seen truly became not being seen.
The prophecy became self-fulfilling.

Holding, and withholding became an instinctive,
protective way of being.
Fear of judgment and rejection drove away my ability to actively love, to be fully present to another being.
To receive the care of another being who was also like me.
Who is also God.

For I recognize myself in pain,
covered over with the grime of the past.
The questions “Does anyone truly see me?
Does anyone really care to see?” then became,
“When was the last time I allowed anyone to see?”

Then questions of divinity..
“Who am I if not God?”
“And if I am the female aspect, where is the masculine aspect to ignite the spark of my passion once again?”
“If I have recognized the light within, then why can I not see the divine within as complete?”

Memory surfaces, of my asking the mother,
“What is your dream for me?”
She was in the starlight, and she answered;
“The sacred flower of life- that is the dream for all my children. Speak the truth of your heart, and love.
Love, the verb. Love actively, without fear,
completely and passionately.”

Finally, emotion spent, comes understanding.
The stone in my chest, occupying my heart center
is like a pit... a giant seed.
And today, it cracked wide open,
spilling dry contents on the damp soil to be fertilized.
I surrender my dreams of union to the Earth,
and gift the mother with my sacrifice.
I water it with my tears, allowing the unseen beauty of my soul to radiate heat and light,
to nourish the tiny, fragile growth.
I turn over my sacred caring,
and will nurture the tender growth that arises.
I will allow the joy of wholeness to emerge.

MLK Remembered?

Today, I learned something. My father was saddened to see that some of my neighbors had put out their trash, forgetting it was a holiday. He often pokes fun at them for doing that, but not this morning.

Instead, to my surprise, he seemed disgusted, angry, resigned. "Today" he said, "of all days to put the trash out". Then he shook his head. I asked him a wordless question, and he answered. "It just shows how ignorant of history Caucasians are. The last thing MLK Jr did before he was assassinated was to support the striking sanitation workers in Memphis TN. There isn't a trash collector on the planet that would be working today."

Wow. I hadn't realized that. He was right. We are ignorant. I was ignorant. I mean, I've learned about MLK Jr. I care deeply about social justice, and the right to non-violent protest. How come I'd never learned about what had happened immediately prior to his death? How the judge had just granted him the right to march, after working out an arrangement with local businesses that had filed suit against him after looting had broken out at the last rally for the sanitation workers. The city and local companies were against unionizing, and it was a big deal. Did I never learn about that? Or did I just forget?

One thing's for sure, it has made me realize that on a day of remembrance such as today, it is important to become more aware of the life of the person being memorialized. If a day has been set aside specifically to honor Martin Luther King Jr., then the least I can do is to spend a few minutes today to learn something about them that I wasn't aware of previously.

I found out about the strike today, and read more about it in the National Archives. Here is the page should you want to read about it for yourself. http://www.archives.gov/education/lessons/memphis-v-mlk/

In respectful memory of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The Viral Rants- part 1

They Ought to Have a License/Planning Permit For Becoming a Parent (they make you do it for your house).

Bad Parenting. We've all seen it. Most of us have experienced it. And no one wants to talk about it, not really. What I mean to say is, not in a real way.

Oh, sure. We all love to judge when it comes to other people's parenting skills, but what about when it comes to looking at our own parenting skills? Or just looking at ourselves in general, about anything? And why not?

Everything you do, and everything you are informs your skills in life, including as a parent. So to be your best, it seems only logical that some attempt be made to be clear about who you are, so that you can help your child to become who they are. This is not just about responsibility, but about 100% accountability for your choices and actions. No one else is making them for you. And no one but you and your partner chose to bring a child (or 2 or 3) into this world.

I 'get' that some parenting skills cannot be taught. One cannot truly teach love and compassion, discipline, honesty and courage without experiencing it for themselves, and about themselves. So isn't it high time we held ourselves up to the discriminatory light of truth, in order to better inform ourselves and our decisions?

I think it's time to get over ourselves and our fears of bringing this up for discussion. I can't tell you how tired I am of trying to talk about this and having people get offended. What are you so offended about? Do you really think you're the world's greatest mom or dad all the time? Of course not.

Our society is hanging by a thread. We are 'broke' and bankrupt in many ways, our current financial situation being only the outside mirror for our inner loss of value. The only way to change things is to first bring it to awareness. Families, overall, form our society. And we no longer have a choice but to really look at what we are doing. How we are raising the next generation. How we have, or have not finished raising ourselves.

Now, are you ready for the hard part? To hear the 'real' truth? Even if you are a stellar example of parenting, a good parent, you are not always a good parent. It's just not possible, though you do the best you can. You should be honored for your sheer desire to constantly be a good parent.

You, as a good parent, allow the flowering of energy, youth, joy, all while nurturing competently, and instilling a quiet, simple discipline that allows children to learn their world while having a strong boundary/container from which to do so. You spend time with your kids, and allow your world to open to include them, not create a separate world around them. You perhaps understand that your child grew out of the boundless love of your union with your partner that could no longer be contained, and needed to express itself in the bringing forth of another soul. You, my friend, are in the minority.

Then, there are the rest of us. Being that good parenting and bad parenting fall at polar opposites on the grand scale of parenting, it seems more than fair to say that most fall somewhere in between. And that means most of us. Including you.

Some people are just mediocre parents; not a great skill set to draw on, no ability to separate themselves and their issues from their children, and no desire or ability to improve their situation. Just too tired, depressed, stressed, bored and would rather withdrawal from the situation rather than look at it honestly and deal with it. These parents would rather watch TV and 'veg out' at the end of the night than even speak to each other. Although they would deny it, and don't realize it, they spend just as much time watching TV as they do parenting. How often is the TV on in your home?

Here's a newsflash- When you are watching TV, unless you are sitting and instructing your kids while watching PBS or another learning type channel, you are not parenting! In many cases, you are tuned out, and not even present in the room. This applies equally to talking on the phone, being on the computer, etc. There are many distractions, and multiple excuses. I don't want or need to know any of them. Neither do you. They are irrelevant. The fact is, you can and would be a better parent if you were able to be more present in your own life. Playing video games isn't going to do that for you. So turn it off, and pay attention. Ever keep track of exactly how many hours you aren't present to your kids, spouse, or yourself? I think it would knock you off your chair. So don't tell me you don't have the time, because that's bullshit.

Mediocre parents could benefit from meditation training, mind-body exercises such as yoga or tai chi, parenting classes (no matter what age your child is) and some counseling. Not just for the parents, but for the entire family unit. Make sure to plan some 'me' time each day. If you don't have enough, make arrangements to have more. If you give yourself what you need, and begin to honor your own time, you can better honor the time and space of others. And for others. Like your kids. So turn off the electronic devices for 2 hours per night. Make it a house rule. Place a moratorium on anything but being present for each other. Have a meal each day together, even if it has to be breakfast. But learn to be present. For the sake of yourself and your family.

Finally, there is the lower end of the scale. Some of you are miserable examples of parenting, trying to raise children when you've not even finished raising yourselves. Whatever possessed you to bring in multiple children, when you had a difficult time raising the first one, is beyond me. And who suffers for it? Everyone.

To be fair, most people are not aware that a second or third child not only brings with it it's own set of needs, but adds an entirely new family dynamic. Apparently, no one talks about this. I've seen more marriages fall apart after the second child is born than for any other reason. Bringing in one child requires a huge devotion of time and energy, and no less is required for the next one. Or the one after that. But honestly, we only have so much time. Are you really that good at juggling yours? From what I've witnessed, the answer is NO.

Bad parents say they put their kids first, before themselves, when this is not true. It's really never true, but they convince themselves, and their children that it is. They lie. They pretend they are good parents when they are not. They allow the computer, PSP or TV to babysit and inform their kids instead of taking the time to do it themselves. They put them on medication to control their behavior first (before trying any other solution) then leave them on said meds for years. They are irresponsible role models that take multiple drugs, don't care for themselves (smoking or drinking to excess, no exercise, no ownership of destructive patterns of behavior). They justify imposing their will on their children, doing things that crush their gentle, emerging spirits in ways they excuse as teaching discipline, but is really all about control.

Bad parents don't make enough of an effort to keep a marriage together that might save their children from grief and strife. They may not have the courage to end a bad marriage that does the same. They manipulate by guilt. They project harsh self-judgment, anger and abuse onto their kids, because they cannot or will not face themselves. And I believe I know why this happens...they have never owned their own needs or their very human level of self-centeredness.

So right now, I'm taking that word back:
self-centered- centered within the self.

It has an unnecessary negative attachment to it. Why? Because we are confused about it's meaning. Being selfish, and self-centered are not the same. Selfish implies an exclusive focus on self that is denying of others needs or interests. Self-centered is about being clear and present within oneself. This is also denotes healthy boundaries, which enable us to have healthy relationships with others.

We are supposed to be centered in the self. It is the only way to remain present in our world. It is the only place we can truly interact from. So say it. Take it in, because it's a truth that will set you free. And if you are a bad parent, you can use all the help you can get.

In truth, we all represent each category of parenting, at different times. What differentiates good parenting from bad is desire to be our best, being aware and being present.

I know I'm going to receive many horrified responses from this. I'm not worried about it. Bring it on. I'm trying to open it for discussion. Just be aware that I will not tolerate excuses, only ownership. If all you have to bring to the table is self-pity, don't waste my time or yours. I don't want to hear "But I have 3 kids", "I'm going through a tough divorce", "I'm a single parent". These little denials are crushing our children and ripping apart the fabric of our society. They are really a way to deny full accountability. All of this is irrelevant to your ability to be your best, and the best parent that you can. If you come with anything that looks remotely like this, I will tear it to shreds. Then I will tell you that I love you and ask you for your truth.

I have no children of my own, and can only bear witness what it is like learning to raise myself. This also gives me a unique perspective on it. I have great compassion for all of us trying to better ourselves. But I can only do it for myself. I think it's time to look at where we all fall on the grand scale of parenting both ourselves and our children.

Our world depends on it.

Dollhouse, the new Joss Whedon series, begins February 13 at 9pm.