Co-existence with the Ego

The Ego is not the enemy.

Yes, I did just say that. I know there are many Buddhists, Kabbalists, teachers, friends and others who will vigorously disagree with me. I'm OK with that.

What I understand, (and I can only speak for myself), is that there is no real enemy. The enemy is illusion. Projection. And if this is the way in which the religious and spiritual define ego, then I can agree only with that aspect.

I believe in love, in the totality of being, existing in the heartspace, being present in this moment. And in this moment, my ego is co-existing with my heart, and with the transcendent Self that I know to be one with all things.

This is a more comfortable, fluid relationship for me now, though it wasn't always so. My experience through most of my life was struggle, constant struggle. With knowledge, conflicting teachings, my feelings, my judgments. Always, when I reached a new level of consciousness, there was ego rearing it's ugly head.

Let me explain my understanding of ego as it stands at this moment; from my inner knowledge, my own experience, and from a position of equanimity.

Ego is the part of the human being that believes it runs the show. It does much of the time, in some with less conscious understanding and acceptance of it. Within my own being, it is often the part of me (small, personal 'me') I most wish not to accept. It is also the part that teaches me about my instincts, my judgments, and whether or not I am truly following a path of love and service. It shows me when I am and am not congruent if I will only listen to the monotonous hammering home of its "rightness"; to be willing to hear my entire truth, discerning it from amidst the lies and old, familiar patterns woven into it's clever soliloquy.

My wise teacher Victoria Pendragon once referred to the ego (paraphrased here) as 'the Idiot Self merged with your point of view, and what you perceive to be the story of your life so far.' She taught me that the Idiot self is useful, as it is connected to the body directly, and would instinctively move me out of the way of an oncoming bus or train, for that matter. It is a mode of behavior predicated by the survival instincts of the body reflected back to us linguistically through the Idiot Self in combination with everything that we know about ourselves and from the life we have experienced. She also helped me to understand the need to know the stories and patterns the ego holds in order to be able to shift them. And that while the ego cannot be destroyed, it can be housebroken.

For me then, it is part of the whole being, not a separate entity that can be, or should be, severed at will. It serves a purpose tied in with the survival of the physical body, and of the self-identity. I speak of the individual self that is a part of our humanity from the time of our birth to the time of our death. If we were only meant to be part of the collective, enlightened consciousness, why would we need to be born into a human body at all? This is not congruent with the idea of transcendence...to transcend the self, one must have a self to begin with.

Having a self, for me requires total passion and commitment; the full embrace of life itself. The ability to choose to live fully, in whatever way I choose. It is the ability to create choice by desire, and to follow one's own free will. The very act of being born into this life requires an opening of desire on a level that brings the heart achingly awake with the fullness of all the pain and pleasure contained within our universe.

I'm just beginning to understand the full integrity required of the self; the ability to accept and allow all parts of that self to emerge, free of judgment. The ego, in small part, allows for a fully defined and contained self. The clearer the perception of the boundaries of the small self, the more natural and spontaneous the flow between the self and the Self. To fully embrace the I AM, to be present in both the process of 'being' and transcending at the same time, I must allow all the parts of who I am to coexist.

Just as my energetic field and matrix is interwoven and connected to both the physical body, the 'heartspace' and the Earth itself, so is the ego process woven into the becoming self. Is it really transcendence to allow the mind and spirit to flow free of the body without ever integrating or embracing the human, emotional self? Or is that only escape?

My inner process moves much more easily if I can acknowledge all that the ego is; it's wants, needs, prejudices, passions, etc, while still exercising my own considered and loving choices. I find the time when the pull of the ego is strongest, is when it is the most denigrated. The ego, for me, only grew stronger in opposition. I awoke one night with a clear thought in the middle of egoic turmoil..."and which part of you is engaging in this battle with ego, if not the ego itself, in a cleverly duplicitous way, maintaining it's hold on the psyche?" So the destruction of ego no longer makes sense to me. It sets up a lack of trust in my integrated wholeness, an internal and unnecessary battleground which obscures the inner clarion call of my soul.

To declare anything the enemy, by the very definition of the word, it becomes an adversary or opponent. And in the words of sci-fi fantasy writer Ursula Le Guin "To oppose something is to maintain it." (Thanks to my anonymous poster for reminding me of that.)

If I am lucky enough to live a long life, I will gratefully explore the nature of being a distinct and separate individual, while also an integrated part of everything that is. With no separation by belief or by being. The ability to navigate between the seen and unseen worlds requires an effortless flow between the inner landscape and the outer world. A completely integrated and actualized self, with the ability of all humans to transcend to a state of grace, and return again to the pleasures of the denser, more physical energies.

And I'm really happy to 'be' here.