They Ought to Have a License/Planning Permit For Becoming a Parent (they make you do it for your house).Bad Parenting. We've all seen it. Most of us have experienced it. And no one wants to talk about it, not really. What I mean to say is,
not in a real way.
Oh, sure. We all love to judge when it comes to other people's parenting skills, but what about when it comes to looking at our own parenting skills? Or just looking at ourselves in general, about anything? And why not?
Everything you do, and everything you
are informs your skills in life, including as a parent. So to be your best, it seems only logical that some attempt be made to be clear about who you are, so that you can help your child to become who they are. This is not just about responsibility, but about 100%
accountability for your choices and actions. No one else is making them for you. And no one but you and your partner chose to bring a child (or 2 or 3) into this world.
I 'get' that some parenting skills cannot be taught. One cannot truly teach love and compassion, discipline, honesty and courage without experiencing it for themselves, and about themselves. So isn't it high time we held ourselves up to the discriminatory light of truth, in order to better inform ourselves and our decisions?
I think it's time to get over ourselves and our fears of bringing this up for discussion. I can't tell you how tired I am of trying to talk about this and having people get offended. What are you so offended about? Do you really think you're the world's greatest mom or dad all the time? Of course not.
Our society is hanging by a thread. We are 'broke' and bankrupt in many ways, our current financial situation being only the outside mirror for our inner loss of value. The only way to change things is to first bring it to awareness. Families, overall, form our society. And we no longer have a choice but to really look at what
we are doing. How we are raising the next generation. How we have, or have not finished raising ourselves.
Now, are you ready for the hard part? To hear the 'real' truth? Even if you are a stellar example of parenting, a
good parent, you are not
always a good parent. It's just not possible, though you do the best you can. You should be honored for your sheer desire to constantly
be a good parent.
You, as a good parent, allow the flowering of energy, youth, joy, all while nurturing competently, and instilling a quiet, simple discipline that allows children to learn their world while having a strong boundary/container from which to do so. You spend time with your kids, and allow your world to open to
include them, not create a
separate world around them. You perhaps understand that your child grew out of the boundless love of your union with your partner that could no longer be contained, and needed to express itself in the bringing forth of another soul. You, my friend, are in the minority.
Then, there are the rest of us. Being that good parenting and bad parenting fall at polar opposites on the grand scale of parenting, it seems more than fair to say that most fall somewhere in between. And that means most of us. Including you.
Some people are just mediocre parents; not a great skill set to draw on, no ability to separate themselves and their issues from their children, and no desire or ability to improve their situation. Just too tired, depressed, stressed, bored and would rather withdrawal from the situation rather than look at it honestly and deal with it. These parents would rather watch TV and 'veg out' at the end of the night than even speak to each other. Although they would deny it, and don't realize it, they spend just as much time watching TV as they do parenting. How often is the TV on in your home?
Here's a newsflash- When you are watching TV, unless you are sitting and instructing your kids while watching PBS or another learning type channel,
you are not parenting! In many cases, you are tuned out, and not even present in the room. This applies equally to talking on the phone, being on the computer, etc. There are many distractions, and multiple excuses. I don't want or need to know any of them. Neither do you. They are irrelevant. The fact is, you can and would be a better parent if you were able to be more present in your own life. Playing video games isn't going to do that for you. So turn it off, and pay attention. Ever keep track of exactly how many hours you
aren't present to your kids, spouse, or yourself? I think it would knock you off your chair. So don't tell me you don't have the time, because that's bullshit.
Mediocre parents could benefit from meditation training, mind-body exercises such as yoga or tai chi, parenting classes (no matter what age your child is) and some counseling. Not just for the parents, but for the entire family unit. Make sure to
plan some 'me' time each day. If you don't have enough, make arrangements to have more. If you give yourself what you need, and begin to honor your own time, you can better honor the time and space of others. And
for others. Like your kids. So turn off the electronic devices for 2 hours per night. Make it a house rule. Place a moratorium on anything but being present for each other. Have a meal each day together, even if it has to be breakfast. But learn to be present. For the sake of yourself and your family.
Finally, there is the lower end of the scale. Some of you are miserable examples of parenting, trying to raise children when you've not even finished raising yourselves. Whatever possessed you to bring in multiple children, when you had a difficult time raising the first one, is beyond me. And who suffers for it? Everyone.
To be fair, most people are not aware that a second or third child not only brings with it it's own set of needs, but adds an entirely new family dynamic. Apparently, no one talks about this. I've seen more marriages fall apart after the second child is born than for any other reason. Bringing in one child requires a huge devotion of time and energy, and no less is required for the next one. Or the one after that. But honestly, we only have so much time. Are you really that good at juggling yours? From what I've witnessed, the answer is NO.
Bad parents say they put their kids first, before themselves, when this is not true. It's really never true, but they convince themselves, and their children that it is. They lie. They pretend they are good parents when they are not. They allow the computer, PSP or TV to babysit and inform their kids instead of taking the time to do it themselves. They put them on medication to control their behavior
first (before trying any other solution) then leave them on said meds for years. They are irresponsible role models that take multiple drugs, don't care for themselves (smoking or drinking to excess, no exercise, no ownership of destructive patterns of behavior). They justify imposing their will on their children, doing things that crush their gentle, emerging spirits in ways they excuse as teaching discipline, but is really all about control.
Bad parents don't make enough of an effort to keep a marriage together that might save their children from grief and strife. They may not have the courage to end a bad marriage that does the same. They manipulate by guilt. They project harsh self-judgment, anger and abuse onto their kids, because they cannot or will not face themselves. And I believe I know why this happens...they have never owned their own needs or their very human level of self-centeredness.
So right now, I'm taking that word back:
self-centered- centered within the self.
It has an unnecessary negative attachment to it. Why? Because we are confused about it's meaning. Being
selfish, and
self-centered are not the same. Selfish implies an exclusive focus on self that is denying of others needs or interests. Self-centered is about being clear and present within oneself. This is also denotes healthy boundaries, which enable us to have healthy relationships with others.
We are supposed to be centered in the self. It is the only way to remain
present in our world. It is the only place we can truly interact from. So say it. Take it in, because it's a truth that will set you free. And if you are a bad parent, you can use all the help you can get.
In truth, we all represent each category of parenting, at different times. What differentiates good parenting from bad is desire to be our best, being aware and being present.
I know I'm going to receive many horrified responses from this. I'm not worried about it. Bring it on. I'm trying to open it for discussion. Just be aware that I will not tolerate excuses, only ownership. If all you have to bring to the table is self-pity, don't waste my time or yours. I don't want to hear "But I have 3 kids", "I'm going through a tough divorce", "I'm a single parent". These little denials are crushing our children and ripping apart the fabric of our society. They are really a way to deny full accountability. All of this is irrelevant to your ability to be your best, and the best parent that you can. If you come with anything that looks remotely like this, I will tear it to shreds. Then I will tell you that I love you and ask you for your truth.
I have no children of my own, and can only bear witness what it is like learning to raise myself. This also gives me a unique perspective on it. I have great compassion for all of us trying to better ourselves. But I can only do it for myself. I think it's time to look at where we all fall on the grand scale of parenting both ourselves and our children.
Our world depends on it.
