So, this is how it ends. Corrupted. Bereft. Empty. Lonely. Feeling as if I’d only just paid more attention, that none of this had to happen. I’ve spent far too much of my life and time feeling this way. And it’s such a short life.
Usually when someone contemplates throwing in the towel, there is a maudlin self-pity present. I have to say, it doesn’t feel like that to me. I know there are people who care, who love me. Who will be sad if I leave this earth. But I am aware of something they may not be. They only need me for their own reasons. To validate them, to be present for them, to be their mirror. And this, I think is what it’s about for other people. Will they grieve? Certainly. But will they grieve for me…or for their own loss? This is the human nature I have come to understand, to accept, but not to love. In truth, I am the only one who can grieve this life, my life. But do I have the courage required to do so?
Can I grieve the life that was, and the life that never was, and still remain here…present? Can I release this, and learn to feel again? Or is it too late for that? I’m so tired already. And old, aeons old. Can I lift myself one more time from this ground I stand on, a brittle, barren surface, and walk just a few steps farther on this journey? Perhaps a spark of hope will light the way, for it is so dark here, now.
I’ve spent my entire life living for others, for a cause, an idea. Living in service. Being of service. It is what drives me, what inspires me. And it’s also the thing I hate the most at this moment. For how can I truly be of service if I can’t even help myself? How can I learn to love my life, when I feel no joy?
I have been here before, in this space. I have had the light of the Presence move through me. I have been more alive than many can imagine being. I have been everything. And now, I am nothing. Why did I choose to stay, if I am incapable of creating love within my own life; within myself?
Do I have the strength to accept what is here in the dark, empty expanse, and live on? Can I find the spark of inspiration necessary to build a new hearth fire from the barely flickering candle of my soul? I cannot do it alone. This much I know. I must pray, and be open to receiving the light of my own soul, as it comes to embrace me. And if I wake up here, then I will have a chance to feel and create something new. And if not, then I will be free. Liberated.
And as I fall to my knees and ask for forgiveness, Goddess, will you be so kind as to hold a space for me, until I can hold it for myself? I think that might be exactly what I need…
2 comments:
Even after the passage of time, your post has great power to touch and to inspire, Alyce. The expression of your suffering has touched me, one who also suffers along the path and wonders why and what it means, and suffers the pain of the manifest experience. But, at the same time, this expression of self heals and comforts, and reminds that even those of such great accomplishment as yourself, in such significant areas of life, feel the same things as those of us who have aspired to similar accomplishment and have fallen short. It reminds that we are all essentially the same , and holy, simply in our being; and that to place faith in that being is to accept that holiness, and in the fullness of all that expresses through our lives and actions, no matter the form, or sense of accomplishment or failure felt in the moment. Thank you for what you express...many blessing be upon you. -- Pat McKenney
Thank you, Pat, for your sharing. I am truly no different than anyone else; we are all special simply because we exist, and everyone suffers. Reminds me, I have a couple of great quotes on suffering (of course I would) from wise teachers. ;)
I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would
be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable.
--Anne Morrow Lindbergh,
author and pilot
Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of ego. In the midst of conscious suffering, there is transmutation. The fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness.
--Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
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